12/04/1868, Brussel, Katharine M. Woodlock aan [Guido Gezelle]

Brussels, 9, rue de la Régence,

Easter Sunday night. 1868. My Own Dear Father,

I cannot let Easter pass without wi t s hing you a very happy one, by writing as I cannot have the great pleasure of wishing it to you personally. I suppose you have been worked to death and I am almost afraid to write lest the sight of my writing should bring down on me the reverse of a blessing even from gentle you, as perhaps even reading this letter is like the last straw that breaketh the Camel’s back. However I will chance it – you cannot do worse than not read me. So first of all I wish you - every grace and blessing during this time, which in a spiritual sense ought I believe, to be considered one of joy. I hope it is one to you, after all you are so good you work so hard for God, that in spite of all your trials and annoyances – and disappointments you must be a fit subject of envy to many who seem outwardly to have smoother & happier lives. No matter what work you may have on hands do find time to say a very fervent prayer for me for I want it more than I ever did before. Père Clément said to me the last time he was speaking to me – about a week ago – “what on earth came over you my poor child?” – and that is just what I do not know, but I have spent a wretched holy week and am afraid to make even my Easter Communion. It has come to a pretty pass with me, if I let the paschal time

Paastijd, de periode van 50 dagen tussen Pasen en Pinksteren.

go by without doing so. Perhaps if I was well excommunicated it would be b the best thing that could happen to me However I will try not to be so. I have been reading a heap of awful trash that has upset me and I feel as if I never could get right again I am the slave just now of whatever I am reading as my life is so companionless and I have got myself into anything but a good vein of literature. Will you pray then that I may forget all these horrors & that God will forgive me the way I spent Holy Week. I have just now access to a heap of books some of which are good & calculated to do goodothers are – perhaps I am too particular ~~but~~ scarcely fit for even a right minded man to read. Well I could hardly help smiling to see that the first class of books are un c ut except for the first few pages – the others have been well read through.

Monsieur Koch went to Paris this morning Madame & her eldest daughter have been there some time Monsieur has left me the charge of not only my own two pupils

Dit waren de twee jongste kinderen van het gezin: Marie Victoire Augustine Koch en Stephanie Marie Antoinette Koch.

but of his two sons aged 15 & 13 home for the Easter vacation. He gave me most particular instructions about them and particularly that I was to surveiller the reading of the eldest “il faut que vous sachiez, Madlle, qu’il a la passion de lire le qu’il ne doit pas lire.” That was this morning. We women can be such hypocrites sometimes – men are never so – that I looked like a saint & I do not think even changed color tho’ though certain shelves upstairs came vividly before my eyes. I even told Monsieur that there were under my hand many books that I thought h e is son ought not to see Monsieur said I could see to it. I know they think me old & tough enough to read anythingOr perhaps they think that I have a conscience.

Monsieur & I got on splendidly we shall become quite good friends if that continue

Foutief voor ’continues’.

- he is so thoroughly good I cannot but respect him & I am almost beginning to admit what I have been fighting against all my life – namely that man is a superior animal to woman, and I heartily wish I had been born one. One can be anything do anything as a man as a woman one is the mere plaything of fate. Are not these nice Easter sentiments? I am talking nonsense to deaden – a lot of things. I wish it was a hundred years hence & that I knew whether I was lost or saved. I suppose by that time it will be decided.

Now do not fret about me o b ut pray for me. Do not despise me for writing so to you. you know it relieves me to talk or write to you. I wish I could be some comfort to you – I know you know how I care for you – tho’ though you cannot know it nor can I express it. Oh if I could only see you if it was only for five minutes. I fear you must wish you had never known me. I have so badly repaid all the trouble I have given you, my own dear patient father! When you get this pray that I may – if I have not already done so – get courage to go to confession & to Communion – as I did did not go to Communion after my last two confessions, which bad as I am is not usual with me. If you can & when you can write to me – it will do me good and I promise you I will read no more wicked books – they make me too wretched – it is too much to pray for a few minutes’ amusement and after all one gets tired of that sort of thing – it become

Foutief voor ’becomes’.

monstrous to read much of people whose who whole code of morals consists as Ld Lord Macaulay says “in hating their neighbour & loving their neighbour’s wife.”

At your convenience will you let me have the “ History of England” I lent you I have told my sisters

Frances, Mary en Christine Woodlock.

if they see you to ask you for it. If you want it mind do not return it, but in a short time it may be useful to me. Send or give it to some of my people in Bruges, they will be sending me some other things & so I can get it. I forgot to take you your book – shall I send it to you

Do take care of yourself. Ever your own bad wicked horrible but truly attached Kate Easter Monday

A letter this morning from Mme Koch imploring me above all to watch her eldest son and not let him at her or her husband’s books – pleasant task to be the guardian of the innocence of a young gentleman of 13 & queer books all through the house. I have done my best in the way of looking up but I wish to heavens the boy was away or the parents back; pray it may all go right, for indeed it is of great bore to me I wish Monsieur & Madame would burn their books.

I wish I could go to confession & get all right my own account but alas! i s t is so hard – What is the use of always beginning & never ending.

Priez pour moi, mon père bien aimé ~~père~~

The père is not very legible but it is there

n'ayez pas peur