I write to you simply because I find it the easiest way to convey my sentiments. I will be as concise as I can. When I was tempted to leave the Church by doubts. bewildered by controversy & sleepless nights as St Peter so did I pray! “Lord doth it not concern thee that I perish” send me help! and at last that light that illuminates the spiritual darkness was sent me from Heaven through you! Every doubt vanished a calm came & has remained. It is now four years yet still my heart has been grovelling towards Earth! It is my own fault I am so imperfect & restless spiritand an over active mind but what consolation that my heavenly Father knows all my “works’ & difficulties and the secret spring whence flow those “works” & desires to serve Him & the hidden motives by which they are prompted bowed down with the cares & bereavements of life there is nothing for it but to look forward with hope steadily to that inheritance promised in a brighter World to those who shall overcome & I know that the mercies of God infinitely surpass all the miseries of life but self love is so insidious we are ever apt to make more of the miseries than the blessings. the latter which are sent to support us. as it is the dispensation of Providence to chequer afflictionwith intervals of pleasure were it otherwise the tide of troubles would over come us. the cup is wisely mixed therefore I accept it from the consciousness of our miserable condition nor “seek fruition here but humbly wait that blessed reversion in a future state” I feel as it were stranded on the shore of the great stream of human life & that all around me were intent upon some object and I alone nothing to do! — to me the World has become an empty void tired with its hollowness, and deception. I long to live more for my Saviour & withdraw further from the distractions of the World. I shall find a kindred Spirit in our friend who is coming here and Ithink in the meantime we might go on quietly together under your direction and the rules you give for our guidance I know no other who would act under the same at present unless Mrs Fitzgerald it is doubtful, but you could sound her from sad disappointment in past friendships & trusting too implicitly I shrink as it were from trusting too much & thus I fear my fault is now a want of charity I am so soured Poor Mrs P. Perkins has been overwhelmed with mental & physical suffering & her health is deranged she is consumptive and unfit, for a situation she requires my care. I hope to get some needle work as I never do see (so far even as I am concerned) where the means are to comefrom my income varies so much but I go on trusting blindly in the God who is the Husband of the Widow consoling thought! should I live to posess my own small fortune then I hope to do something for the glory of God if ever on so small a scale a Home for wandering Widows! & a Converts refuge! — do you think through your influence you could get sufficient to furnish a bed room for Mrs Perkins so that she could join me? I have already given away more than would have done this the last year. unfortunately I cannot help my self at present & fear I have been almost improvident in giving however I have always felt God would provide for self as He has ever done If we were once afloat I think we would not sink as we are both bles se t with energy

Now I hope you will pardon me for trespassing on your time &