You will s a y it is very soon to plague you, but as I know the end of the week is your busy time, and as I cannot help longing to have a chat with you, and hearing from you, I have no choice but to write soon. I have been fretting my heart out since I left, but I know that evil time will pass, but it will pass the sooner and b etter if you help me by a few words of encouragement. Every change in my life seems to me harder to bear than the preceding ones – in fact “the longer the way the wearier” explains my state very well. I find it so hard to find myselfafter all my fine daydreams of long ago, a governess of thirty years of age. I so hate being old. I find it impossible almost, à en prendre mon parti, and yet what else remains. I must only try and become very very good, through all difficulties, and perhaps a settled state of peace may be accorded to me. I can understand that a state of utter wretchedness, of blank dreary despair, such as no one can believe in who has not experienced, m ay be of use to the soul, as, unless the state itself be one of sin, it excludes every other sin One has not the courage even to get into a passion about anything. I wonder when I get out of this, and by degrees I feel it going, shall I really begin in earnest to make some atonement for the past. I wonder do you know how fearfully I suffer from remorse. I sometimes feel as if Judas & Cain were saints to me – they certainly did not abuse so many graces. Wicked wretch that I am even the last few days‘ beingat my old work brought up old feelings that ought to be forgotten – I have such a memory I remember nothing good or useful, and everything wrong seems to stamp itself indeliby

Foutief voor ’indelibly’.

Only think I am to go to Confession to Père Clément! I declare I cannot think seriously on it. He is very kind. I went to see him to-day and I said I could not make up my mind what to do, but that I thought I would not go to Confession at all. He volunteered very simply to take me back – you know I left him in Bruges. The convent is only ten minutes’ walk from this & every Friday morning early, he will look for me in the church where he has no settled confessional as yet. As matters so presented themselves I thought itbetter to leave them so. I know Père Clément is not “upsetting” & I dreaded falling into any unskilful hands. But remember you are my own father above all – if I turn out any good it is thanks to you. N o priest has ever done me the good you have, and I can never never forget it.

It is very late I am falling asleep over this so forgive all sorts of epistolary crimes. I must be up tomorrow at 7. I told that to P. Clément to make me him pity me, he only thought me very lazy! I am in comfortable quarters here, but I foresee I shall have a fair share of work. I only hope I shall be equal to it. The children

Deze kinderen waren Guilielmus Julianus Mauritius, Francis Vincent Alexandere, Marie Victoire Augustine en Stephanie Marie Antoinette. Uit de brieven blijkt dat ze zich vooral over Marie en Stephanie, de twee jongsten, moest ontfermen, maar dat ze occasioneel ook moest letten op Guilielmus en Francis.